i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
