I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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