I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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