Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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