His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
