The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
