This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
