DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
