No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
