Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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