I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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