You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
