she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
try to milk me bitch
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
