also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Randomize
