I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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