i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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