i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I met the friendliest cop last night
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
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