she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
time to smoke my breakfast
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
