I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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