Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
