if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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