you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
