why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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