ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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