her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
