Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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