one word: firstdatebathroomanal
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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