There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
