after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Found the puke drawer
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
