i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Randomize
