Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Randomize
