We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
