apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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