I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
