the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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