Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
