i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
