mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
