I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
