it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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