so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
