I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
