there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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