Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
