rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
