Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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