she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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