Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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