Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
