I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
