i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
