I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Randomize
