We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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